Updated: Never — Philip's Blog

Since I didn't get any beeping on my phone, I decided to come straight home instead. I was reminded that I still have some excellent old ("forgotten") Geuze left, so I'll sit outside and drink that.

On the bike-ride from the station, I remembered the main problem with mind-altering substances: they are habit-forming. Even when they are used strictly following the instructions of a professional braincare specialist.

I had been out of Concerta for a while. As I blogged before, the downwards spiral can be quite tricky to escape. It's very frustrating. I have a whole stack of prescriptions at home, I just need to remember to take one with me and stop by a pharmacy to have it filled. And Edegem has more pharmacies than any other town I've seen. I bike past at least four on my way to work.

Anyway, I finally picked up a fresh supply of pills this morning, so if you've been noticing that my mind was more out of control than usual, you should have noticed the difference too. From the inside of my brain, it felt like being unhit by a brick. Which is a bit like being hit by a brick but in reverse. And gently. It's difficult to describe. :-)

Which brings me back to the habit-forming bit.

When there is no methylphenidate bubbling around in my blood, I find myself craving (and consuming!) much more coffee. It's mostly subconscious too. I have absolutely no idea how much coffee I drink every day but "lots" is probably a reasonable approximation. My mug just doesn't get empty. It's like subconscious treatment of withdrawal. I wonder if any research has been done on this?

This occured to me on my bike because I realized that I was feeling disproportionally dehydrated. Caffeine may be a diuretic, but there is still loads of water in coffee. And I didn't have much coffee today. Again, I don't know how little, but "not much".

Note to self: drink more water. And don't forget to buy your pills, dammit. And remember to eat, methylphenidate is an appetite suppressant.

Chemistry is interesting stuff. It'll be a couple of days before I'm chemically "balanced" again but it's definitely better this way.

To the 'experts' writing articles with titles like "are we drugging our children" violently opposing methylphenidate and questioning its utility: it's all about control. An out-of-control hyperactive mind can be an asset but it can quickly become a serious liability.

As I've written before, I like being hyperactive. But I like getting work done too.

The hyperactive mind has some control over itself, but the control happens in irregular bursts of flow-mode. Any distraction, however minor, blows the flow right away and it's impossible to get back into it.

Instead of spending a couple of hours in flow-mode followed by sometimes days of chaos, the Concerta allows me to spend most of the day in near-flow-mode and softens the blow of distractions. Most of the control still has to come from me, but the Concerta makes the control consume much less mental bandwidth.

Control is good.